“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”