[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Autocarrot sucks!
called in thicc to work this morning
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200