David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.