[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS