DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish