Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*