Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!