Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.