Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.