Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
best review i’ve ever seen
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?