BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Jail