Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms