Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I falcon love using swear birds
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar