I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins