her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
You Might Also Like
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Cinematography is my passion
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
sliding into dms like
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…