Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Ha
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
🙂🐾
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.