I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Customer is always right
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl