*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.