Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
In banana years, I am bread.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.