Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
You Might Also Like
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin