Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”