Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.