[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The best plant holders?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party