@novocapulum: Dear America: it's called English for a reason. They invented it. It's not "English" spelling. It's correct spelling... This is a subtweet.
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@FatherWithTwins: *young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
@AKcrazy18: Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" "Okie dokie." * Starts to adjust mirrors*
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: I want to play squirt guns Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry? 4yo: YES Me: Okay, let's go