my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.