How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down