[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.