Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Not😆🤣
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.