Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
✌️
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Cleaning kitchen knives
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I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.