@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"
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@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
@seamusmckracken: Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
@_ElvishPresley_: Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon Chameleon: how'd you know it was me Spider-Man: you're disguised as Peter Parker Chameleon: so Spider-Man: *starts sweating*
@dumbbeezie: Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist