@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"
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@GrowlyGrego: Wait...the "S" in ASAP doesn't stand for "Slowly?" Shit. This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
@TheBoydP: Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch! J: Not Guilty!
@jordan_stratton: "I want frog legs." -Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
@TheTweetOfGod: CNN just wondered if I'm sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I'm sending them to punish you for CNN.