@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"
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@iwearaonesie: Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is "I'm sorry" not "I guess that means no sex tonight"
@DelanieFischer: One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.
@hippieswordfish: CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?! CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic