Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Wait for it
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one