Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
You Might Also Like
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids