Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas