Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.