Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.