Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you