Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.