@TheBlessMess: Dear Coworker, If I'm nodding my head & smiling at everything you've said, this means I'm fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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@samalmightysam: Why couldn't the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
@briangaar: [checks facebook] I don't remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
@Fred_Delicious: *Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven* "YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON'T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES"
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water