Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I was bored.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats