Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My dad.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
thank god
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.