Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
How can I say no to this ?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.