Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’m having an out of money experience.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.