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I’m not average. I’m mean.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’d use my best pan on you.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.