Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?