Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Watson was Holmes schooled
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Legend 🤣🤣
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi