Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
In case you needed to hear it:
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Shower sex be like:
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?