i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”