@joshweller: Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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@robfee: Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind. Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@Overdue_Bills: Whenever my car won't start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don't understand.