Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
i baked you a cake
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done