Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
wtf is an acronym
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
💻🤡
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.