Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.