Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.