her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
You Might Also Like
Pandas 🐼🖤
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor